NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine