One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Introverted vegans go meetless
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading