Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”