It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels