Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
haha same
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Anyone really
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.