3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.