My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You Might Also Like
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
*pronounces bondage like corsage.