5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
stop
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.