*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The asteroid..
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them