I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.