ok hear me out: Luigiana
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?