How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.