My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”