coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
the official breakfast of 2021
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Does beer think about me too?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.