[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’ve had relationships like this
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.