For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…