I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E