employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Oh deer
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
become ungovernable
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!