ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Webb. James Webb.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
bad news gang
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.