starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please