Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When I snag the last meatball.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.