As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.