When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan