Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
They’re really bad with fonts.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭