If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
uncle dave has been through hell
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My sex drive has a dui
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”