*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*