Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.