I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My dad is at it again
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
R.I.P.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.