My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Love is in the air fryer.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog