My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Accurate
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.