Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
estão todos miauvindo?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
buying dead houseplants to save time
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.