I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Hitlers gonna hitl
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.