The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.