the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie