my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now