Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Story of my life…..
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.