If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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My daily affirmation
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.