i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”