cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]