94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?