You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You Might Also Like
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
No way!
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.