Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You Might Also Like
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Great acting.. 😂
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.