Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it