Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it