Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.