Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Science memes
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.