Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You Might Also Like
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.