Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do