Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
You Might Also Like
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Who chose this font