Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
#parenting
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.